So, I start a blog but I never can follow through with it. I'm just a person that can't make commitments to things like this. My life has changed so much since my last post. It's summer time!!! And I'm happy about it! I'm "vacationing" in California with my family. If you want to call it a vacation. They drive me insane in so many ways. Like just today, they dragged me into a catholic church. I rather goudge my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon. Everything seemed so rehearsed and recited. Everyone was singing hymns. Then the preist started reciting prayers as the church joined it. What good is it to pray if it doesn't come from the heart and it's recited from memorization? They made me neal down on my knees and I thought I was going to die. There were girls dressed in white robes like it was some hippy wedding. Then everyone ate crackers and drank out of the same cup. I don't care if they wipe off the rim of the drink, they're using the same napkin, it's just spreading it around! GROSS! The best act yet was when the robed girls picked up a big cross and walked down the asle with the preist to leave the church. I thought about clapping myself. I really hope I don't have to go back next week. My aunt Stephanie, she gets EVERYTHING she wants. You should hear the way she cusses to her parents. She's a nice person, but you can't help being a rich bitch. My step-cousins Brandon and Brooke are cool. They take special medicine just to keep them calmed down and paying attention though. Someone needs to cage those two. Brooke is especially bad. She can be so annoying and is upsessed with boobs. She's nine years old and in the 3rd grade. I feel so out of place here. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE is mexican. I'm 15 minutes from the mexican border. It's kind of nice getting all the looks and attention I occasionally get, but other times I hate it. I feel stuck here. This family eats NO JUNK FOOD AT ALL! Martha, my step-grandmother has been to Burger King twice in her life. I can't take it. Stephanie thinks since she's older she can have the best of everything. Man I just want to hit everyone in the face with a frying pan! We went to my uncle Stephan's apartment in San Diego and there were 8 people in a 2 bedroom apartment. I'm taller than Stephanie and she still took the longer couch. She was wanting me to sleep on the floor but I laid there and acted asleep. I have to make my bed every morning and keep my room clean at all times. And when I go swimming I can't come into the house until i'm completly dry. What the fuck. I like it here and the fact that my Grandfather is rich makes it all the marrier. We're all heading up to Seattle, Washington on July the 15th. We're going to spend a couple weeks up there... how cool. I may stay here to go to school. Besides all that, I really like it. I miss my little puppy dog Abba though. I have so much opertunity and potential here. I have a lot to think about in the next month...

you drive me quackers!

So, yesterday night my brother came home and he brought a duck home. It's so cute, and he named it Alexander. My dad likes it but he knows its ganna go to the bathroom everywhere. I wonder what my mom will think of it. It makes me wonder because she's always said "No more animals inside the house." But she always makes up stupid rules like this. Everyone in the house has rules except her. It seems like everyone always has one parent like that. Her rule for herself was no more drinking in the house. She broke that rule 1 week later without punishment. Words can't discribe how strongly I hate of her. Anyways, Alexander is so cute! He follows my brother around in a line and all night long he goes churp churp churp! He's so fuzzy and soft. I know Troy won't take care of it when he's older and ugly. But he fits in your hand! I just hope my parents won't make him get rid of that cause I know that would hurt him. He has a cat, too. But he never takes care of him so why would he ever take care of a duck?!!? It's all cute and cuddly at first. So, I feel bad for it. Not only that Troy will neglect the cat even more because a cat and a baby duck don't mix. Well, I love Alexander <3

Broken Hearts, Broken Things

My boyfriend, Matthew, and I have been going through some rough patches in our relationship. This weekend I made a comment about his dead sister that I am glad died... He told me that it wasn't nice to say that about her and I told him I really don't care. He accused me of not caring for his feelings and that I don't care about him. That wasn't true. I again replyed I don't care. We had a misunderstandment. I ment I didn't care about his feelings twords his sister. We fought all day, and all night, and all the next day eventually breaking up. I kept calling him to harass him because I felt hurt that he would choose his sister over me. I mean who does he want to spend his life with? His dead sister or his lover? He still choose her. He always has and he says he trys to be here for me. I believe that he does but that doesn't mean anything to me if he does or not. Either way he still isn't there for me. After he sent me a picture text saying I was "playing games with his heart" I decided to stop calling him. Then he called me and he was playing x-box live talking to his friend. I accused him of talking about me and he said no. Just to prove it he let me talk to his friend and so he could tell me they wern't talking about me. Instead, his friend said some pretty mean and hurtful things about me that no one can ever take back. I was happier that his sister died more than ever then. I fell asleep crying because I was so hurt by him. He called me and harrased me now telling me how he loves me and wants me back but he never apolgized for taking the sister thing too far. After all, he told me some of his secrets early in our relationship I could have went forever without hearing and he said that honesty is the best policy. Well he's learning its not. I thought this was all bull****. Three hours earlier he was telling me how he doesn't want me back. So after this constant fighting back and forth I was caught inbetween loving him and hating him. I guess I hated that I love him. I took a razor knife out and cut up everything he's given to me and I cried hysarically. I cut up the hoodie, tore all the notes he's wrote to me and his school pictures. I smashed a custom frame with his picture inside of it. I cut his hat up and I was getting ready to cut myself because nothing he could say or do could make me feel better. I hated him so so so much and he just kept trying to tell me we're not broken up it'll be okay. He still hadden't apolgized and I knew I wasn't giving in. That night we slept on the phone together after I finally calmed down but I still had feelings of hate inside of me. I wanted to kill myself and he made me want to do it. The next morning we resolved our problems. If he didn't bring up his sister I wasn't aloud to say anything mean about her. But if he did mention anything about her death, herself, her funeral, the funeral expenses, ect. I could say whatever I want about her to his face and he can't get mad. So we're still together for now. I hope we can keep working out or problems. I fixed most everything I distroyed including the hoodie I felt the worse about. Even through all that, we can be strong.

Do friends really fade away, or do we just change?

From day to day we never really notice all the small things that grow away from you. But when we look back and evaluate our life we start to notice day by day, things and people once close to us really do fade away. There's the invisable barriers that are so hard to break down. It makes it harder to keep all our friends there. But we as people are always making constant room for new friends in our life. That's why I do want to recognize my friends so close to me that has helped me through my recent life.

anna marie beussink

When I first met you, I thought you were an annoying little momma's girl. But as I took the time to know you, I found a really great friendship that I literatly can tell you anything about my life. We have many, MANY secrets that we hold against each other and we have many inside jokes that we won't ever tell. I've grown to know you as my devil friend. And you're the complete oppisit of what i've judge when I first saw you. I've learned for one, you hate your mother and that you can do just as bad stuff as I. We're like partners in crime and that's why I think we make such good friends. You can be funny, and a little randomly weird but that's really okay. We all need people like that in our life to make us a little happier. I think it's funny how you critisize people on every little look. We both know it's bad but the fact that we don't really care is the best part. Our differences in friends bring us together in some ways. We don't get jelous over someone liking one or the other more. That's okay though, you give me dirt on people and I do the same. Though our parents hate each other it just makes our bad sides all the more intertaining. Partners in crime, doing the time, for all the dirt, we will work our hardest to be, anything want to be.

cheyenne nicole vaughn

You were always more of the quiet type. The teachers pet, and the one we all knew would go far. You were smart and got all the acidemic attention. This is my first impression of you. And when I first met you, I hated you for all of that. But as I got to know you I realized you were that and everything eles I thought you wern't and that's what makes you one of my best friends. You are nicest person I have ever met. People can stab you in the back and you still find it in your heart to forgive them. You're like the perfect role model: You athletic, make the best grades, never speak out of turn, your smart, have common sense, and do what you're told. Everything I would usually hate in a person for being TOO perfect. I honestly don't know what brought us together to be best of friends. This may sound cheesey but it could have been fate. I like how I act when i'm around you. You're the complete oppisit of Anna and bring out the side in me most people don't see. You make me feel nicer and more open about things although I never truely get rid of my evil side. You are so honest and truely kind. I like how I can relate to you so well, we're both clumbsy and accident prone. I tell you my most subcure secrets that no other single person in this world knows. It's nice to know that you understand me and I can understand you. We feel for each other. Now that I know you I regret ever thinking those things about you, because you're my best friend and you can be a real boss :)

karen lee sawyer

I know we don't know each other in real life but I feel that you have made a great impact on it so far. You are probably my most insperational friend and can influence my choices in life almost as much as my boyfriend. I can confine in you how I truely feel and tell you my opinions and insecurrities. You tell me yours also. I really hope someday we can meet face to face. I think we'd be the best of friends. If I saw you walking down the street, i'd think to myself..." Wow, she's really weird! " But I know her at one of her deepest levels. She's not the type you have to peel back layer by layer and that's what I like about her. She says what she feels and she means what she says. Shes kind and really funny once you meet her. I think we make best of buddies and someday, we truely will be best of friends.

my boyfriend,

matthew blake sanders

So, we save the best for last. My boyfriend, Matthew Blake Sanders is not like any other guy I have ever met. And I truely mean this. When we met, we hit it off instantly. He is the funniest, random flirty person and this makes him truely special to me! I never knew how easily someone could make me smile, or just the simplist thought of him could make me cry. We've been dating constantly for 1 year and a little shy of 2 months. When you think of a teenage relationship you may think off and on, all sex, less than a month. Matthew and I are nothing like the typical couple. We believe in long distance relationships and most importantly, love. We have had our share of fights, but what other couple hasn't? The fact that we got through them has made us stronger as a couple. It shows strength in our love. When I tell most people about us they really don't believe it. He gave me a promise ring on my fingure to signify our love. He's the perfect discription of a dream husband. One syllable name, tall and skinny, great smile, and so so sweet. In the one year we have been together, he has never yelled at me or called me one name. He thinks I'm beautiful even though I know I'm really not! But I can't say that around him. He's sensitive, more than most girls I know. It makes me happy that he'll sing to me and we fall asleep on the phone everynight. Most people would call it the honey moon phase but this is our relationship. I plan this summer to spend time with him at his home is Tennessee/South Carolina and maybe go to Florida together. He has saved my life more than once and keeps me going in more ways than I can count. Although he isn't always here for me, I know he trys his hardest and that alone makes me truely happy inside. I am so proud to say that I fell in love at age 12 and I'm going to be forever <3